Archive | December, 2012

The town time forgot

29 Dec

As mentioned in the previous post we left Giztown and headed south for a day and night in Napier.

I’m pretty good at analogies but Napier has me stumped. What in blue blazes is this place?

For a bit of back story the town was destroyed by earthquake back in 1931. Then for some strange reason the whole place was rebuilt with an American ‘Art Deco‘ feel. This was fine when the world was still in black and white. But, around 1949 God introduced colour and since then things started going down hill. Now, Napier is a hodge podge of faded Art Deco with glossy consumer billboards and signs hold it all together, a kind of town planner’s Frankenstein monster with bad fashion sense.

By the evening we were Art decoed out and needed a drink. As luck would have it the local pub was having a quiz night. “Well why not” we said.

Although there were only two of us against teams of four and five it was worth a try. Straight away we got off to a flyer as two points came our way after writing down our own names, some hairy knuckled fellow muttered something along the lines of ‘spelling bastards’.

As the night wore on we kept in the top 3 and the other half pulled out some blinders from her brain area, my job being to oil said brain area with glasses of Sauvignon blanc. With two rounds to go we led and despite a wobble on the final round victory was ours plus a $50 bar tab. With no intention of coming back to Napier we blew our winnings on a fine Scotch blend.


Overnight we stayed at the Criterion. As you can see from the photo above it has all the charm of the Overlook Hotel in The Shining. And when some man used a key to get into our room at 4am I was hugely disappointed he didn’t say “Here’s Johnny!” and either discuss the merits of his book or stick an axe in my chest.

I’m now of the option that Napier does not exist and is simply an alternate reality between where you have been and where you are going. My reasoning for this is based on the road sign that led us out of this odd little town.



Gizzy, gizzy, gum drops

28 Dec

After a wonderful 9 day Xmas break meeting the other half’s extended family we left Gizzytown, Gisborne and headed south (this I will post about later).

Anyway, as you can see from the photo below NZ Boxing day slightly differs from a UK one.  The conundrum my simple mind battles is whether one is better than the other?   Yes, sunshine and blue skies and dazzling company is all well and good. But, on the other hand is drinking the dregs of Xmas day’s unfinished drinks while watching ‘The Bridge on the River Kwai’ curled up in the foetal position and wondering if the kebab shop is open that much worse?


And the river makes three

22 Dec

This week I’ve swam in a lake, an ocean and the river you see below.  That’s all folks. No prattling waffle for this post, just a good honest fact.


Rebel without a Claus

22 Dec

The South Pacific Reindeer Protection Society have had enough of a certain notorious repeat drink driver who has dodged a whole host of driving bans.  Known to the world as Santa the SPRPS say that  he has crashed and killed over 212 reindeer in the last 3 years alone. Telephone poles, trees and even a drive through KFC in Wellington have all received splatterings of antlers, carrot filled guts and red noses.

However, due to Claus’s extensive PR activities namely greetings cards and worldwide tribute acts he has kept the general public stupid and has continued unabated. ‘But not for much longer’ accoring to the SPRPS. They have just launched a campaign of awareness intended to send a little message to the white haired, gin soaked, obese, Xmas Eve visitor.

The “Strung up, not strung out” campaign of hanging Santas have been appearing throughout New Zealand.

“It’s a strong message” said a SPRPS spokesperson “The threat of public execution by means of fracturing the neck and then agonising strangulation makes it clear we have had enough”.


Outside The Golden Duck pub Santa’s advisor released his client’s statement “You want to push me? Do you? I’m Santa fucking Claus you imbeciles. I’m the greatest dormant leader in the world. Think about that! 5 billion children below the age of 8 have been brain washed to believe that I’m their God. They will rise from their prams and potties and on my command a tidal wave of dribble, a billion decibels of wailing and one hell of a mountain of nappy shit will rain down on you like a proper Mayan apocalypse. Think about that! Now sod off I’m enjoying my pint.”

Green Lake

20 Dec

On a our visit to Lake Waikaremoana we took a walk around it’s smaller cousin Green Lake.

To give you an idea of  size, a walk around Green Lake takes 30 mins, with Lake Waikaremoana you are looking at a 5 day trek and that’s with tents, guns, a massive Rambo knife, 1Kg of chewing tobacco and three bottles of moonshine strapped to your back.

Anyway enjoy the photo of Green Lake and there maybe a ‘Hey Carrots!’ update a bit later.


Pun hit

19 Dec
Obviously suffering withdrawal symptoms from the UK tabloid press it was with great relief that I got a good hit to the ‘puny bone’ with this cracker for an owl sanctuary.

This has inspired me to prepare a film pitch for either the Pixar or Dreamworks animation departments.

At the moment I just have the broad strokes of a script but it’s looking promising, anybody that wants to chime in with some additional story ideas then feel free.

Film title : Owlcatraz (obviously)

It’s a bit Shawshank meets Cool hand Luke meets the Owl in Winnie the Pooh (imagine the owl having shanked Pooh in the gut with the pin from Eeyore’s tail “Enough with the honey talk you idiotic bear!” ).

Our film opens:
With Owl Capone returning from solitary confinement (basically a cage with a blanket over it). He was put there unfairly by fellow prisoner and bitter rival Owl Pacino. During his time away Owl Pacino has put a bounty of 3 dead mice to anyone who can take out Capone.

Every owl in Capone’s 360 degree vision is out for him and it’s no understatement to say he is pelleting himself.

That’s the basic premise. So pick up the ball and run with it.

Important note:
Somehow and no matter if it affects the story line Owl Capone has to say to Owl Pacino “I know it was To Woo, Pacino”.
For those who don’t get the above reference please don’t submit any ideas as I only want people who can rip off other ideas from other films and then pass them off as their own, we are trying to make an CGI animated film after all.

Holy heart attacks Batman, we nearly there yet?

18 Dec

Last Saturday with our trekking boots on, laces tied and a slathering of sun screen we ventured up one hell of a ruddy-great-big-bold as brash hill. Our mission was to witness the grand vista you can see below, that my blog readers is Lake Waikaremoana!

What you won’t bare witness too is a picture of my blooded feet, not because that image would make you chuck up but because my feet no longer exist! In the quest for the summit I’m now left with what can only be described as a pair of stumps, my feet worn away to just below the ankles.

Fortunately, the local blacksmith set me up with a solid set of iron shoes. Although he pissed me right off as he hammered the nails in with mutterings about how I was a “Another ignorant Pom who had only himself to blame for ending up with stumps and next time he would charge me twice”, I laughed at his stupidity seeing as I could only lose my feet once – I left a worthy winner as I munched on sugar lump.

Tomorrow I promise to update you with more goings on at Lake Waikaremoana. But, for now I’m off to my second ballet lesson where the teacher has already remarked on my marvellous pirouetting skills, although Kimberly aged 6 and a half called me “A cheating double stumped bastard”. I got her back later when I threw her bag on the roof.

Be it mouthy blacksmiths or bitchy 6 and an half year old girls I always come out on top.