Seal, Lamb and Hedgehog

20 Jan

This is not a title for my new children’s book about a undecided flip flopping seal, a wooly thinking lamb and a prickly but cowardly hedgehog (the subtext being a clever dissection of the 3 main UK political parties). No, this is going to be a post in three parts about the creatures I’ve encountered on the South Island.

Seals – Part 1 Creature tails from the South Isle

On the way to Akaroa the Other Half and me got to see a vast community of bone idle, out of shape, benefit scrounging Seals, as shown below.


Anyway, while we watched these liquorice flavoured sea beasts flap about on their four stubby protrusions and whisker their whiskers in the sun, I casually mentioned to the the Other Half that you can’t really blame people for wanting to club the useless things. Instantly I realised this should have been a silent thought and not a sound emitting thought, for the the Other Half frowned a frown of Grand Canyon proportions. Luckily I was denied a lecture on the subject as three Canadian lads in their twenties suddenly appeared, Josh, Josh and Josh.

“Awesome, Seals!, ” said Josh one.

“Seals, awesome!” said the next Josh.

“Awe, Sealsome!” said the rather confused other Josh.

The Other Half as is her custom asked about the Joshs’ travels and what they were doing, apparently this is what you do in New Zealand and it’s called ‘showing an interest’ a somewhat alien concept to an Englishman but I think I get the gist. Anyway, to cut a long story short the Joshs’ had heard that you could club Seals down here and that they wanted to have a whack just like their Fathers and Grandfathers had done in the olden days of legit Seal abuse. It was then I noticed a sign that said ‘Club hire One Hundred dollars’. To my surprise The Other Half nudged me and winked, maybe all was not what it seemed. I was intrigued on a curious scale of 8.3.

So Josh, Josh and Josh used second Josh’s awesome credit card and paid their money. Off they went swinging their clubs back and forth, each club having been nicknamed ‘The Awesome one’. It was then that I noticed that each club was attached to a cord. This I assumed was to avoid it being taken home as a bloody souvenir, but I was wrong.

By now Josh, Josh and Josh had found 3 seal targets and they each raised their clubs aka ‘The Awesome one’ above their heads ready to deliver the first of many whacks. I gasped, but the Other Half was icy cool and pointed to a line that was just in front of each seal. I immediately put 2 and 2 and a 4 and another 2 together and realised the answer. For as Josh, Josh and Josh brought down each of their clubs aka ‘The Awesome one’ the cord snapped tight and the intended blow landed short while at the exact same time a camera flashed and a stern voice sounded from a speaker disguised like a rock “Your details and this photo are being submitted to the New Zealand authorities, please find the nearest police station”.

The Other Half smiled as we made our way back to the car. According to her the New Zealand government has caught over 415 Seal clubbers using this simple ruse. What a country!


5 standard NZ Seals


Lots of standard NZ Seals


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